Fuck. sleeping in my sisters room again I heard zombie noises outside my window
This is the worst date ever. Pls kill me. No, wait, scratch that, stick to the original plan of killing Paris Hilton, I'll live though this
im like that movie w. ryan reynolds, no ones ever going to date me unless they're forced to marry me.
I'm gonna have bed sores at the end of this hangover.
You slammed your forties down on the table and yelled "I AM EDWARD FORTYHANDS" then mumbled something about repping Idaho like a champ and laid down on the couch.
If you take a couple more shots you won't even know he's a mormon that drives a mini van.
my dad pointed to my full beer and said drink up we're leaving now.
can you adopt me?
And I don't know if this is really ESP, or just a crazy feeling, but I'm pretty sure he has an std. Or at least a cold.
Come back. Shots need mouths.
Is her birthday actually on cinco de mayo? That makes so much sense
I kinda got drunk and threw my debit card into a bonfire so I don't have any money at the moment lol.
think before you get married my friend it's my birthday and just got done jacking off
I just tried to pass the bowl to my dog for 2 minutes before I remembered she isn't human. It is 7:27 am.
I feel like dick that good should always be within a five kilometre radius of me.
Relax
It's hard to relax when a woman is waxing your asshole.
Randomize
