Hooking up with one of the deadbeat dads from Teen Mom does not qualify as banging a celebrity.
The UPD just told me that he was going to call the cops if i try to run. you owe me 5 dollars, i told u they arn't real cops
they night at the roxbarryed us. came out of nowhere,bought us shots, and then the big one licked my hand? we got out of that noise.
After he was done he gave me a case of landshark and tickets to tomorrows yankee game. This is the best nonrelationship ever
You just squeezed a person out of you and I'm drunks at 2PM. Our lives got traded and you know it and you're jealous.
Pretty sure I asked the person at the pharmacy counter in Walgreens to marry me last night. But also remember Rachel Maddow crawling through the TV screen, so my memory might be a bit compromised...
You have a roommate and cry when you see my dick
i was in burrito mode and too drunk to move. no fucks were given. none.
The security deposit's gone, let's trash this motherfucker
I just had some kinky fun in the back seat of my car behind a Ralph's in south county. How's your thanksgiving eve?
2016 shall be rememered as the year I sharted while putting up the Christmas tree.
My condom drawer is now filled with W-2s and tax return documents. Is this adulting?
Pretty penis doesn't make up for awkward eye contact.
Ever try to swallow something and have it go up into your nose instead? Yeah, I just sneezed bacon.
I'd kiss your neck and collarbone and then run my tongue up your neck to just behind your ear
And then lightly kick the curve inside your ear
Randomize
