I literally ate my thanksgiving dinner while getting a lapdance. And honestly, after that, there is no other way.
We were sexting and then the radio announced robert pattinson would be playing kurt cobain in a movie and it totally killed the mood
Exactly. wat kind of friend would i be if i even pretended to give a shit about ur problems
You remember that guy i fucked in Ireland who stopped in the middle to talk about why he had 8 pillows on his bed? Yeah he's following me on twitter...
I think I saw maybe 3 ugly girls the entire time we were there
Yea its like that frat house was built to keep fat chicks out of parties
My Saturday dick is so much more impressive than my Tuesday dick.
They never prepare you for how broke ur gonna be in college. I just accepted money from two underage girls at a gas station to buy them beer only because I'm trying to figure out a way to run off with it without them noticing.
Dude, use it to buy them beer. Then run the beer to ur car as fast as you can and bring it to the party. Seriously, we're running out of booze over here
Wednesday is good, I needed the head count for the orgy, caroling can happen with as few as 2 people. There will be a pinata.
For the caroling or the orgy?
At some point, you're going to have to talk to a tree and do what it says
I think I need to see a chiropractor after giving that blow job
Hey beautiful no judgement but why is there a bucket of KFC chicken in the bathtub??
I remember 2 things. 1. Hanging through the window. 2. And she needing a bucket to puke in. That’s all. I have no other memory.
Do I masturbate or eat a pound of matazah. Alissa help what do I do??
there's a giant awkward home-wrecking elephant in the room. and its name is meg.
No. It's going to be "I'm mad that it took you so long to get over here" angry sex.
Randomize
