Dude, just walked by a homeless guy pissing on the sidewalk while he was screaming at his wang. God, I love this city.
well, tey weren't taking lap dances as payment today
You just took 4 shots. 2 of them were maple syrup.
we're at the bar and some girl dropped a bottle of burnettes strawberry vodka out of her purse and it broke.
i mean, if that's not class, then i don't know what is
I like daylight savings. I don't care if it's 4 oclock it's not daydrinking if it's dark out
seek help.
He told me that he wishes our relationship was more like prison: less touching, more butt sex.
Wish you were here....
And I wish your mouth was around my cock, but that never happens, does it?
Just found a ramen cup in the stall and all of the showers running with no one in them. WHERE ARE YOU?
IT'S A FUCKING GIANT POKEBALL MAD OUT OF TINY ROSES
You should make a checklist to ensure they are quality material. Here's mine: wearing shoes, not drunk, very hot, has teeth, speaks english. You never know
You need to stop thinking about the needs of your vagina and concentrate on the greater good
barely 48 hours and I've done the dirty on both of my roommates beds before they've even slept in them
You could sing the national anthem right before we have sex. Make it feel like a sporting event
Getting a blow job while breaking up with my gf helps cope with the pain... Kinda weird her best friend is giving me the BJ
The fact that I can sew my leggings while intoxicated proves I'm a functioning alcoholic
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