sometimes i think life is slapping me across the face and laughing, saying "ha ha! you're an adult!"
We're official. Living with your boyfriend sounds so much better than fucking your roommate.
some guy just walked by in the street and for 5 seconds yelled "IMM SOOOO HORNYYYYYY!!!!"
So my ex just cheated on her current bf w/me and now there's a car coming to take me to Vegas... Is this really my Thursday night?
I hate you.
you cant keep talent like that locked up in a relationship
Does the blue bra belong to your sister or cousin?
She just threw the soap bottle at me from the ladie's room and keeps asking me when we left the bar and got on the boat.
God damn. I'm really starting to resent babies. They're everywhere. Like fucking land mines.
The only thing stopping me from having sex with you in my parents jacuzzi bathtub is the knowledge that they've already had that idea themselves
Maybe the problem is guy has to ask his wife if he can go out to lunch with his girlfriend for an hour...
you know that moment when all the alcohol kicks in and suddenly you realize the bar is very loud and you just want to bite someone sexy and ride their face i am kinda at that moment
He said he could outsmoke me so I challenged him to a weed duel. I don't always very competitive but when I do...
We were drunk having sex and I knocked over her bedside table/fish bowl and she jumped off to check if her fish was still alive but she made me pasta so it's cool
I'm gonna fight the coyote
I'm pretty sure that waking up butt ass naked with a bottle of 151 and a note that said "I didn't want to wake you up, but thanks" proves I had a good time....god bless America
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