im getting a BJ in a closet
and a penguin just handed me a bong
You need to get here now. A drunk girl just stumbled into our apartment. shes laying on the floor by our door.
I just got over my period in 3 days...I believe that is god's way of saying "go fuck an amazingly attractive Italian boy on vacation"
we found you standing over and eating out of my neighbor's garbage can
I don't know if it's the amount i drank last night or the number of taylor swift statuses on facebook but i feel like puking everywhere
The amount of my urine my roommate has consumed after I found out he's been eating my food almost offsets how angry I am
There's nothing like sitting directly behind someone you fucked 5 years ago at church on Easter Sunday
If i ever start ordering tequila again please tackle me to the ground and steal my wallet
We team puked and then made sex like wild monkeys. If that isn't love, I don't know what is.
I'm sure me singing - rather loudly - "fuck me in the back seat" last night didn't help either.
I want what they have, but in the meantime I have a whole bottle of rum to which I'm quite devoted
I found some video of you on my camera that's like 5 seconds long, where you announce that you should have been a dentist before taking a bong hit.
Sometimes I get in situations where I realize they think I'm smarter than I am and then it's just one more thing I have to fake.
I'm about to be a big disappointment.
The bathroom smells like ribs. What did you do?
How many of my Tinder dates can my Christian roommate accidentally meet in the hallway at 3am before she's horrified and moves out?
Randomize
