So drunk i had to piss sitting down...
It was like the Ritz Carlton of jails. I got introduced to our criminal system the right way.
So I'm pretty sure when I was giving a Birthday Blow J, he went to grab my boob, but grabbed a fat roll and asked "You're not wearing a bra?"
It was literally the size of a half eaten tic tac.
My mom just found some of our lube mixed in with my box of pots and pans. I hate moving home.
She threw all the patio furniture in the pool saying she was building a castle.
A baby just go on our party bus. What. The. Fuck.
one of the RAs is here. he told me his name is optimus prime and then took his shirt off and fell down
I just spent 10 min explaining to my mom how orange is a strange color. I think she knows
Apparently HR frowns upon current employees introducing themselves to the new employee as "Hi I'm sleeping with your cousin"
my brother has friends over and I can hear one of them screaming from the basement "BREATHE. FILL YOUR LUNGS. LIVE YOUR LIFE." and it sounds like he's doing some motivational speaking down there but that's actually just how he encourages ppl to take bong hits
All im saying is that my face might fall off.
I already plan to donate my brain to science so they can attempt to fully understand the complexities of my existence
He stopped eating me out to remind me to look at the stars
Well when you come back we can have a huge bitch fit...or get really drunk....whichever comes first
Randomize
