i just smoke outta the biggest bowl i've ever seen. the kid was totally compensating for a tiny weeenie.
i'm in hospital, i have an exam in 3 hours and the man in the cubicle next to me is doing a noisy poo. this has to get better.
I threw up red last night... I wanted to pinch myself because it wasn't green.
We've been friends for six months, when do my benefits kick in?
First night in the new apartment. There are 12 people here i don't know, Tequila, and a crying girl locked in our bathroom. I think the apartment christening is complete.
I just got cash back from buying a pregnancy test so that I can buy a case of joose. My life is in shambles.
ps if your frozen peas taste like crotch it's because some dude kicked me in the nuts while trying to do a keg stand and I needed an ice pack
Why is there a frozen condom filled with water in my freezer?
Question: would asking the hot guy from the grocery store to "beer me" his number be a poor decision?
Sweating vodka and spray tan, I feel like a trophy wife.
I used my tears to chase my tequila. You could say I rallied.
Shut up. You had me at killer robots. Your place or mine?
You would be proud of me, I did not take a dab at work today.
ya I went to the grocery store literally just for cheese and condoms
I wish I had a tail.
Why?
...why not?
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