Kris Allen: Jason Mraz mixed with John Mayer and a splash of orgasmmm
on a brighter note, the strip club found my atm card
I couldn't tell you were laughing too hard
Dude I thought I set my hair on fire. I wasn't laughing I was screaming.
Tiny.
I mean tony. It's like autocorrect knows he wasn't well endowed.
I am a 5'4" ball of sexual frustration and vodka. It is that kind of night.
I just Miyagied my roommate through her first set of tit pics. Her fuck buddy owes me.
I was totally pumped and so was my beard
Nobody's dick fell into my mouth tonight
I think he may actually care that I call him slampiece instead of his real name. Who knew he had feelings?
I'll seduce him with my charm, after all, I am a graceful swan.
More like a demented cow.
I told you about the baby at the graduation party that looked into my eyes and knew I was empty inside
A guy in a chewbacca suit just came up to me and asked me to buy him weed.
There's a big ass bed, hella ecstasy, and I can guarantee you'll regret every second that you remember.
....even the bartender was embarrassed for her
My one night stand from last weekend is now taking me on a date this weekend. How is this my life?
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