The dr is doing well, he randomly asked if I was bi
He has jerked off in so many socks I am surprised he doesn't have athletes dick
I can't do a walk of shame with a sombrero full of baby chickens
She called picking up at 2pm a matinee drug deal.
She still cant shoot whiskey?
Im having serious doubts about this relationship
Is re-gifting a Valentine's Day present worse than re-gifting a Xmas one?
You're unbelievable, unbelievably awesome.
I think we r still a few steps from ex sex. In fact, that's never going to happen. I'm just saying on the seething-chemical-fire-of-emotional-distress-to-post -relationship-intercourse scale, I'm closer to fucking than throttling. Progress is fun.
is there a way to say "yea i broke my wrist cause i fell down some stairs while tripping my face off on acid" without actually saying it?
I can't sleep. My mind keeps asking "turn down for what?" but it won't accept any of my answers.
I just want a boyfriend who will have sex to Disney Pandora.
And they're not making a turkey. My cousin was "hoping to shoot a bird this week"
Holy shit, add "successfully got stoned secretly at a party where a cop was" to my list of accomplishments.
I'm glad you enjoyed the night but why were you calling me "daddy"?
I'm just going to assume my unresponsive booty calls are just preparing for the women's march tomorrow
Had sex outside for the third time last night. Mosquito bites all over my ass, and i think i have a rash on my nipples. When will i learn.
Just wait till winter
Randomize
