Highlight of my evening, pile of books falling onto me in front of people
beeferoni + vodka = puke stuck in braces.
No matter what I do you still love me. It's like loving a retarded kid. A retarded kid that keeps trying to sleep with you.
I'm lost. Please come find me. I'm inside the I-270 circle somewhere. I can hear laughing.
Pretty sure I'm taking the break up well. Alcohol made me okay with it and drugs keep me agreeing with why I dumped him in the first place.
Why is there a condom in the dishwasher...
I've just informed her that you've voted her Chief-Adult-In-Charge-Of-Shit and that she will take the oath of office on Fri Dec 14th at 8 pm with her hand on a bottle of Jager.
Best feeling in the world is getting a random boob pic from a drunk chick at 3 am.
I just found out two girls I dated met each other, bonded over how much they hate me, started dating and are gonna get married soon.
I'm pretty sure male strippers are the last things I need in my life right now.
HE STARTED HUMMING THE THEME TO STAR WARS!! WHILE I'M SUCKING HIS DICK!!
I currently look like a drunken mermaid, god I love beach parties.
I didn't pay $79 for lingerie for you to cum in 30 seconds
He couldn’t find my clit with a map. Literally. I drew him a map.
Cover for me. Stopped at Chris’ for a quickie. Broke a high heel and there’s jizz all over my black dress. Fuck pornstars for making workday sex look easy
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