if your dad confronts the dude you fucked about the background check he did on him, NOT GONNA GET A CALL BACK
i want to be waterboarded, just to see what all the fuss is about
I'm so tired of dating women who lie about their age. You show up feeling like you need to follow them around with a dust pan and a broom.
We did it and he fell asleep and I was bored so I decided to go back to the party...is that bad?
They upped the price of Plan B! Rite-aid is going to be the reason I have illegitimate kids.
Well he paid for dinner, so I paid for the Plan B, but the parking ticket I got is totally his responsibility.
He kept saying "this is a bad idea" wasn't in his vocabulary. He left at 2 came back at 6 eating frozen waffles and he had a symbol, a moped mirror, and a new MacBook. I'd say he had a good time
chimney cleaner pole that expands when button is pushed then pull out. Remember that. We have to patent it.
Who are you high with right now?
Oh wow. I almost tweeted #TweetFromTheBackOfACopCarTuesday but I didn't think it was that appropriate
Everything I own smells like cigarettes and victory right now. The smell is never coming out.
The sex was so boring I heard the people having sex next door and I wanted to stop just to listen
Any chance the bar is open now? Also who's wedding is this?
We are not having sex in the fucking kindergarten
Ugh. It's days like these that make me wish my bad habits would kill me faster
I spent half my night explaining that i'm in an open relationship to the guys that I liked, and the other half of the night explaining that I have a boyfriend to the guys that I didn't like.
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