dude beer before liquor = i want to shoot myself in the face
Hey. Did u tell any1 that I use Nuvaring?
Cuz 1 of ur bf's frat bros just asked me if I wanted to "play ring toss later"
YOU GOT KICKED OUT OF FIVE GUYS LAST NIGHT FOR THROWING PEANUTS AT THE PEOPLE WHO WORK THERE?!
correction: escorted out
I should probably file for unemployment. Sometime between last night and 4 AM I facebooked my manager the lyrics to hoe by ludacris. I'm just projecting ahead here.
just start off by saying "hey, i cockblocked my friend last night and need to make it up to him, could you help?"
Only the gays. Guy gives me a handjob in the steam, then changes next to me under his towel
Only the gays
You'd be surprised at the stuff my vagina tells my brain to say
I just remember her dragging me inside in a panic saying we needed mentos and popcorn I have no fucking clue how we ended up asleep in her closet.
Jerry got outside again, i found him making dirt angels in the garden. I need to put a bell on that bastard.
I woke up with jello shots in pant pockets so I must've had fun
last time we were there you stole a tap from the toilets. How are you confused that your bag is full of baubles you clearly can't stop collecting their furnishings
Honestly cannot tell if I’m magical or really, really high.
i need to get drunk because i'm an angry sober
I just fanned myself with my wet toothbrush to dry my mascara. Wtf
Breakfast sounds amazing but can we do IHOP instead? I have to pick up a Plan B pill and there’s a CVS next to it
Randomize
