i woke up with my moms heels on underneath your couch cushions
you want 1 or 2 eggos?
Watching marley and me... this girls got me whipped man
just threw up in the bus full of other international students just outside of boulder, just keeping the aussie reputation alive
He def has a gf... But hes 7 feet tall and that superceeds any morality I may have.
The thing is you're all "holy crap this isn't nearly as bad as I thought pissing on my own face would be."
They tried. Someone started to yell beer shower but he spun around and punched them in the mouth before they even finished saying beer. He's a fast little drunk.
And one night I got way too drunk and thought he said call me a polish name so I called him Konrad. Now he thinks I cheated on him with a Konrad.
That's my new pick up line call me a polish name
Dude I just saw a beer truck w taps in the side... It's like god heard my prayers and sent me a gift from heaven
Your feet probs hurt bc the cab driver kicked us out a mile from home after you wouldn't stop screaming "prohibition can suck my dick"
my roommate was being a bitch so I changed my Netflix password on her. 21st century slap in the face ladies and gentleman
That went from 0 to lesbian orgy much faster than expected...
I mean, what's the polite way to say, "sorry but I can't date you cuz I'm sleeping with your boss" ??
I'm just going to use my debit card. I feel bad buying pizza with the money I stole from my roommate...so I'm going to put it in my piggy bank.
Could’ve gone my whole life not seeing a man snort coke off another man’s cock... but there it is...
My Mini-Van Handjob Milf is leaving the company. I need to find a new job. I can’t handle this place without those handjobs
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