It was my birthday today and i decided that i am not checking my notifications on facebook so ill feel popular
Wrong number and your a loser
His penis without viagra is what breaks my heart.
Dont eat ANYTHING off the floor at Matt's house. He likes floor sex.
There are so many birds around me. And squirrels. I feel like that chick from Enchanted...but like if she had a dick and made poor life decisions.
So like 5 seconds in I realize I knew him in 3rd grade and I went limp in his mouth. It felt like I just murdered the last unicorn ever. Going straight never felt like an option till now.
I'm pretty sure "tag teaming" and "looking for stability" are not synonymous.
Not yet.
We weren't even through customs yet, and we got offered weed. You would love Jamaica.
So I feel like I should have had a going away party for your dick. Complete with balloons and cake. Yeahh that's right. I'm gonna miss it.
Am I over stepping my bounds if I ask to fuck in your new bathroom?
It has heated floors
But seriously I might need help getting spray paint off of my body.... But don't worry about the penis I scrubbed him already
I'd like to have a moment of silence for all the dicks she's broken off
You can be responsible and still be on that ho life
Getting high with your mom, but thinking of you!
I just found three upside down bottles of grapejuice in a triangle around the air freshener above my toilet... I guess it was one of those nights
Bug bite on my vagina. I think we need to stop this 'sex in awesome places campaign.'
Randomize
