I seriously can't date anymore I forgot how to hide my crazy
i realized boys travel in groups of 3's and girls travel in 4's..thats why it gets so tricky
like hot dogs and buns.
so i made out with some dude last night at the bar. and some girl just stood there and watched. i felt bad so i made out with her too. She looked like she felt left out.
so i finally decided to ask her out. she started mumbling, then she puked on me. i think i'll try again when she's sober
I spent an hour trying to convert bar outfits to church outfits. Its hard.
I shouldn't have to say "get your balls off my counter" on a Wednesday.
How do people deal with hangovers? I literally want to eat my own face.
We didn't talk. I watched you drop an egg on the floor. And watched you praise your haunted broom.
i accidentally sent all my draft messages..how do i do damage control for the multiple "fuck me now" type msgs sent at ten am?
Don't get me wrong, the sex itself is amazing, but I don't think I will EVER get used to her habit of singing lines Jesus christ super star when she is about to cum.
Turns out I hooked up with a chick who has lupus. I don't know if that's a bucket list thing or not, but it's now on mine. Check.
I just had sex on my divorce papers. I've never felt so poetic.
Do you think if I had a tempurpedic bed he would still be able to feel me fingering myself after we have sex?
Okay, maybe filling water balloons with vodka was not our best idea.
Wrong Cuomo but I had a dream last night in which I was very sexually attracted to Chris
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