Dude, I woke up in the middle of the night and your room mate was just standing there at the foot of the bed, watching us sleep.. you don't remember me shaking the shit out of you to tell you this?!
This could explain the reason why I've been finding his clothing and keys scattered in random parts of my room..
AND THIS DOESN'T WORRY YOU?!
there hasn't been a girl guy ratio this good since a guy jumped on one of the Titanic life rafts
I wonder what gingers are like in bed...as awkward as their hair or just as unique as it...?
My professor just suggested making the state of the union more interesting by turning it into a drinking game. Brilliant!!
it was like fucking with batman, he had gadgets i never even imagined
Texas State Troopers call you ma'am even when they arrest you for public nudity and after you've puked on their cruiser. Country boys raised right.
You called me at 3 am and I rode my flat ass bike that I dug out of my garage in the dark to meet you at dunkin donuts for a 10 minute convo about your mother and you didn't drive me home.
you owe me a blunt and a bottle of moscato.
IM WAITING BITCH. ANSWER ME.
So when I eventually, if ever, find someone I'd like to marry, do you think having people fly to africa for a lion king themed wedding is too much?
I have chafed skin from the handy she gave me. I told her that and she said return the favor when it heals. I'm in love.
Can we fangirl? Can we have fangirl Tuesdays?
Sure lol what's that?
Oh, dear, sweet Laura. Please start singing A Whole New World. I have Aladdin's part, you're Jasmine.
Why?
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The international association of gay square dance clubs had a booth set up in the lobby of my hotel.
I love you but I don't want to see you naked.
I hate college football. It's really fucking with our phone sex schedule.
so i fell out of a tree on the ave last night. someone told me there was alcohol at the top. bastards.
She told me I’m a “stunt cock.” I’m okay with that
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