We need to have an Itty-Bitty Titty Committee mtg somewhere in the range of 5 minutes to ASAP.
why is it that no matter what your novelty license plate says it always screams "im a huge tool"?
if you made me into a cookie and threw me into a betty crocker easy bake oven on christmas morning...that's how baked i am
i am only reminding you that showing off your fellatio skills on vegetables is probably not an appropriate party trick
I realized courtney is my jiminy cricket but instead of preventing me from telling lies she prevents me from fucking strangers
you have to give me like a days notice for these kinds of things, you cant just call at 9 am and expect me to be sober
That was the scariest sex i've ever heard....
It was the best sex i've ever had.
No need to call an exterminator, the ants overdosed on the leftover lines on the counter.
She flashed them and they let her pay with Monopoly money. I'm married, so it is your obligation as my best man to repeatedly fuck her for me
I hooked up with a guy dressed up as morning wood. Needless to say he lived up to his costume.
He kept sending me videos of his dogs while I was trying to masturbate. At what point does getting vagina-block apply?
Did we actually play with swords last night or did I dream that?
Just had a threesome for the second time in my life. I don;t even enjoy threesomes. Too much effort.
HOW DO THESE THINGS KEEP HAPPENING TO YOU?
I'm "drunk text both siblings" drunk.
I think my life is a one-way ticket to blackout city.
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