..well, okay, so long as I don't have to wear an apron or vaccum in high heels.
nope just do me i'm drunk and easy to plz
im at a bar with my dad last night and he got hit on more that I did
Last night I got a napkin with 4 names & numbers: Katie, Ellen, Kylie...and Brandon.
Her boobs were tiny. I could have used her bra as a blind fold. Which in hindsight would have made things a lot better.
I think I just wrote a poem about your penis but it was totally unintentional.
Oh, honey. If you're seeing a girl just for the sex, never doubt that she knows and she's doing the same thing. We're not stupid, we're just craftier than you.
Your shoe was in the washing machine. I have it in my pocket. My phone rang before and I answered your shoe. Meet me at the bar in 10.
At the bar, some guy bumped into you and you screamed "hey, don't touch what you can't afford sunshine!"
Just caught myself trying to make grilled cheese with the stove off. I think my dad knows I'm high.
HahahahahaHAHAHAHAHAHAHA MY LIFE IS A CAUTIONARY TALE
My tinder date wouldn't stop talking about the Star Wars movie trailer long enough to fuck me. HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?
Come eat Chinese buffet and watch us trip on acid. It'll be fun.
Who brings a stripper home to ninja turtle bed sheets
Me and I got head
Yeah I know my dick is weird, but I've surprisingly had a lot of fun with it.
Maybe I’ll just go to the party as myself
What, a homewrecker?
Touché
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