come pick me up. please. i just puked in my lap. bring pants.
you got in your car and made the sounds of a NASCAR, then called me on your phone and I was your pit crew. then you apparently you won the race, and THAT'S when you tried to backflip off the top of your car.
i think guys who wear condoms are gentleman.
We were all drunk for the whole flight. Steve doesn't even remember the cab ride to the airport. At 6am. Says he "blacked back in" at security.
I have to talk to myself and be all "you are NOT horny tonight"
Do something fun then. Blow up the house or whatever.
How have you survived this long?
Dumb luck and a deal with the devil.
Ong my arms are moving wo my consent
Best part of having a window in your office is that you can leave through it when you shit your pants at work.
I don't see how I managed to fuck up so much shit in an hour and a half..
Sorry, I was unaware dragging you upstairs for sex was such an awful thing.
You just put lesbians and Hogwarts in the same sentence. Of course I'm in.
I walked outside and found some random guy passed out on our front porch. We managed to acquire the 12 pack of lagers he had so it's all good.
before i could order beers she was on stage 69ing with a stripper
Punched myself in the face trying to open a bottle of Vicodin one handed. Night is going well.
Pretty sure my aunt hooked up with one of my brothers frat brothers at his graduation party
Randomize
