so last night was fun and all.. but you might want to get tested
Let's bang like we're on a Lifetime Channel movie.
The only reason you're wearing underwear tonight is cause you have a family dinner before
there is nothing more satisfying than playing sudoku while pooping
Girls are like M&M's, once the lights go out you can't tell the difference.
I just don't have the heart to tell my mom you peed in our washer machine last night.
I just made easy mac in my blender. Beat that.
I just drank til 6am then boned a 32 yr old that looks exactly like ET. Oh god.
is it too much to get a jumbo margarita in a sippy cup right now?
Dong worry about me. I just cashed bottle of wine when I found out he was in town, I'm being dramatic. I'll text you tomorrow when I'm sober and my face stops bleeding
Almost to work. And still feel hungover. Like my body is trying to regenerate after dying. Full on zombie shit. But like, one of those zombies from warm bodies that comes back to life slowly.
Growing a beard is gonna make smoking a pipe look so much more majestic
So... I woke up on a bench with a honey bun on my chest.
I saw some guy masturbating in the Burger King parking lot and I’m just fucking done
Who fucking spams baby shark at a sports bar
Randomize
