The only reason I kept his number in my phone for so long is so that hed pay for my abortion.
the last three girls i tried to get with all believed in abstinence... i think gods trying to keep me from being a father
i think girls just don't want to fuck you
his mom and i are swapping prescript pills..totally mother in law material.
Our kitchen sink faucet is leaking, so I set a pitcher under it to catch water for Kool-Aid tomorrow rather than turn on the faucet. The environment owes me.
Trying to guess which perfume the stripper was wearing based on my bf's clothes
The security guard told you that the room was off limits and you just looked at him and said,"Its okay, I have a beard".
Finally put clothes on I've been laying naked in the bed for approximately 4 hours since I showered and by showered I mean when I laid down in the bathtub with the shower on
I just realized I turned down a booty call too. To make cheesecake. God help us all
You were in your third change of clothes, and I found you in my driveway passed out with my dog's food bowl. You win.
My chest hair is, as we speak, arching upward to embrace my neck beard. The union will be a storied one.
He had to put the child locks on the windows so you would stop screaming at random boys
Apparently we don't communicate very well unless we're drunk and/or naked
You know how it is. Tell me not to do somebody and suddenly I wanna.
You're supposed to discourage my sluttiness not bring me hot Colombian men
also, i'm not sure if i'm proud to say this but our regional manager's hot fiance was grinding on me at the reception while he stood and watched.
i suppose that explains why he told me he plans on promoting you this Friday.
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