Mother fucker. I'm a 30J now. I'm fucking speechless
Thought I woke up to a girl giving me a handy. It was a male nurse inserting a catheter.
i think i made a good impression on his friends wen i survived 55 cup beer pong
This girl caught me staring at the cat but stroking the computer because it was closer, which is why I hate blunts.
VODKA 4LOKO BEER NOT IN THE CLEAR
My nephew just told me I smell like apathy and regret. Thats the hangover I'm dealing with
Of course I'm not above using aladdin and pot to get laid, this is america
when the song champagne showers came on you poured some kids beer over his head... while giving him a lap dance
We did it in the bathroom in Taco Bell. We didn't buy anything before we left, which I thought was rude.
got blackout drunk at the conference and wandered around Minneapolis with a homeless person until one of the other interns found me...I think I'm ready for adulthood.
DOGS JUST TOTALLY ATE THE FEATHERS OFF MY NIPPLE CLAMPS!!!
Well that was the first and last time I've had to write "divorce party" on a request time off form. I'm throwing it for my mom. What is my life turning into.
Because I'm sitting in a bath of my own wisdom and drowning my sorrows in coconut rum
I'm on the Coaster ride of shame, currently sitting across two nice old ladies smelling like condoms.
and please, if you feel the urge to call me crying tomorrow night, do so. i will be home bored and sober.
Randomize
