i just saw a foot job.
porn is incredible...
Just tried to put my sweatpants on backwards...the chances of passing my physics exam just went down about 100%.
what you doin?
I just woke up vomited poured myself a chocolate milk and turned on the peoples court. you?
reread what you just wrote and reconsider your entire life
at least he lost his v-card with a bang... or should i say the clap.
He thinks MY vagina is tight. That's saying something.
Just because you put plan b in my Easter basket doesn't give you an excuse not to wear a condom.
Woke to a half burnt 20 in my pocket, covered in mud, clothes all wet, so im assuming I didn't use that 20 you gave me for a taxi
I'd be a gr8 surrogate. I'm gonna love your fetus
I wore a firefighters hat and drank beer all night. They had to drive me home after breaking the beer pong table, they told me I was welcome back tonight though...
I did a hand stand against the glass wall at Ziggy's with no panties on and got 3 phone numbers. Thank God I shaved this morning...
We left his house because I forgot how to drink water, I was just holding it in my mouth and then spitting it out, needless to say I don't remember the sex.
I was wondering how I got the burn marks on my boobs and then I remembered....
The baked potato bra?
Using all my books as packing buffer for my liquor bottles. And you said being an English major was worthless.
i tried giving myself a bikini wax.1. i hate you 2. i think i'm dying
She drunkenly texted me about Japanese mythology at four AM. I think I’m in love.
Randomize
