there is a puppy in the bar... no really i didnt steal this one
I remember having a drink with vegetables in it. They said it was a mojito, but it tasted like cabbage.
haha i love mojitos
ya and i hate cabbage
so all night Ive been that girl with her tits out @ the bar. I mean I dropped jaws, yo. But in a classy way.
he wouldn't shut up and let me sleep
yeah i got into a fight with my man last night
why can't men just shut up and put out?
I'm so over stopping myself from talking about my sexual experiences in front of children.
Is it weird that I miss finding cum in my bed?
Condom broke. Took her to CVS for plan B and parked in expectant mothers spot. I laughed.. she cried
In case this wasn't clear when i said being his wingman was "hopeless", his date walked out on him when he poured a beer on his head trying to shotgun it
i woke up with my wallet keys and phone missing and a treasure map to find them stapled to my shirt.
haha i know
He insisted he brought his alarm clock everywhere, and then the girl screamed "fuck French people!"
I made $80 at the club last night by telling him he was like a wild pony and I just wanted to tame him
In the world of sexual, erotic texting, you rank somewhere between "how much teeth do you want" and "how dry do you want it"
I'm willing to share. He can have sloppy seconds.
I can't believe we broke the fucking lamp.
*i* can't believe believe we broke the lamp fucking.
Honey...this isn't my 20's. This is my 30's. I paid for this house and these expensive ass sheets to fuck in them. Get your ass over here.
Randomize
