Scratch that. Lia's boy toy's brother has a gorilla costume. This is gonna be great.
That's the last time I fill my pockets with sushi.
Girl walking by was talking on the phone about how he needed to write a gratitude list in her letter to god this week. Too stoned
Just found out he cheated on me last night. But its Shark Week so I will deal with it next week.
You had me at "mimosas" several texts ago.
So nowhere in the dress code does it forbid me from showing up to City Hall in a gorilla suit to meet the mayor.
He said bring my breathalyzer and Anna's pepper spray, I didn't ask questions
thank you for being a reason not to completely check out of my life and start sleeping all day, crying all night, and living off vodka acquired through credit card debt
I need vitamin water and Jesus :/
Drunk me left sober me a shower beer in expectation of Hurricane Harvey. Drunk me is the best.
I need a fucking roommate.
You need a fucking babysitter.
No clue what you did last night, sorry. You did hand me a pizza and a mason jar with $1200 in small bills in it when I let you in though.
I told you I couldn't sleep because of the speed and you rolled over and replied "shh. just pretend."
Never in my life have I seen a grown ass man get on all fours and attempt to buttfuck himself with the leg of a chair. I love Vegas!
Can you confirm that you aren't dead?
Randomize