bitch asked me if i cared if she kept her snuggie on while we had sex
i wish i could google "things to eat in my fridge" so i wouldnt have to go downstairs and be disappointed
He said he had bite marks on his back... Turns out he had to throw me over his shoulder, and I was really reluctant.
i think i had a heart attack, prayed, and jizzed my pants.all at once.
I woke up alone at my apt. On the floor with the door wide open, but still. Success.
A gay black guy with blonde hair and a gold tooth just told me he would shit on my face.
Now it's a party.
Not only did I get beyond cray cray this weekend. My body has nursed itself to plentiful and impeccable health. Fuck you world, I am back.
Last thing I remember is ranting about hating pants. Woke up this morning pants less. Couldn't find them, decided to leave. Driving without pants is surprisingly liberating.
WHY IS THERE NO EMOJI FOR "FUCK MY MOM JUST SAW MY SEX BRUISES?!"
Easter bunny might get some gnarly munches and not even have enought candy left to hand out
On another note- any interest in going to a gay bar to hit on 19yr olds?
And then the night went full on bisexual.
I woke up with clothes on this morning and I'm pretty sure you had something to do with that. Thank you.
So apparently I tried texting you last night to tell you I wasn't coming home, but all I had typed were lyrics from Evita
Your cat ate my taco.
. . . I don't have a cat?
It was laying in your bed. Now it's hunting for more tacos.
Randomize
