Mr ***** is in bed with his super hot wife giving her 18 inches of pleasure
There was a fist fight in my basement last night at four in the morning, in case you were wondering
On a lighter note, the guy I gave a lap dance to then fell asleep on his crotch just facebook friend requested me..
It's my first ever "i'm sorry for my excessive drug use" hand turkey. And I think it's pretty boss.
Just realized that St. Patty's is on a Saturday this year in case you were interested in coming to New York and redefining bender with me.
Do you think drinking vodka, rum and sourpuss out of a water bottle, in a class that isn't even mine rude?
Your either lost or getting food, if your lost find me a girl on your way back, if your getting food grab me a double cheese
Brown or brunette? Ketchup or mustard?
I love you bro
My new dealer was watching Space Jam and eating ham off a frisbee when I went over. He's my new favorite person
I just gave an orange Froot Loop the finger for falling on the floor instead of my mouth when I was pouring a mini box of cereal into my face.
By the power invested in me i promise you hot wedding sex at my wedding.
I'm counting my small victories this morning. For instance, I haven't puked at work yet.
I have drunkenly angered a family of raccoons. Please send help immediately.
I can't believe it is only 1:30...I may have to stab myself with scissors for an excuse to go home...
After dropping your phone on the ground you got down and sat with it, kissed it and apologized for being so mean
he was Irish, I had to have sex with him.
Randomize
