omg i can't drink anymore.. i just pulled up my dress and started playing with my vagina
I'm eating my dinosaur chicken nuggets in the order they would die in the food chain.
We walked in and they were fucking to Somewhere Over the Rainbow... I need a new roommate.
Places you have drunkenly threatened to piss: my bed, my bros bed, my moms bed, my bros wedding
Waking and baking has revolutionized how i brush my teeth. Seriously up to like 25 min everry morn. Highly recommend
well let's see. after you forcefully shoved a half-eaten apple in my mouth, you ruined the pepsi by dumping an entire beer in there.
So that'd what fifty dollars of chicken at 7/11 looks like. Made it to work on time. Puked twice. BOOM.
Found my other fake eyelash. In a condom wrapper...
I woke up at 3:30 this morning to pee. Luckily, I didn't have to travel far as I was asleep in my CLOSET on my yoga mat. Good news is I had a pillow...
So stoned that I pressed the unlock button on my car keys to walk into my bedroom...
I don't think I have face palmed that many times in such a short period. And I've worked tech support.
i had every intention of working out now im just drinking wine and thinking about taking nudes in my thigh high tube socks
Something is wrong here. The birds are chirping and I'm not fucking you, I'm not getting head and I don't smell bacon. Why am I up this early then?
I just named someones junk. I should not be allowed to talk to people.
She's writing hockey erotica again.
Tell her to pick another team besides ours this time.
Randomize
