I woke up wearing no shirt sleeping next to a half-eaten grilled cheese.
Well did you call the grilled cheese yet? Or r u waiting the usual 3 days?
Dude this girl just said she'd take me to pleasure town while giving me head
Will Ferrell is probably jerking himself off somewhere wishing he was you
his cum shot went directly into his bellybutton. felt like i was playin ski ball
The only thing i was looking forward to on 4th of july was the google logo and they let me down. That and beer, lots and lots of beer
Your ass just called me, someone was yelling "awful waffle" and also, " I don't know who's hands are who's anymore"
I should go buy the economy size box of condoms and sprinkle a path like rose petals to my bed... Think he'd get the hint?
A girl just told me she printed out my pictures and taped them on her wall. I have to stop sleeping with virgins.
Idk tell her to wear something sluttty. I have that one skirt I got arrested in if she wants to borrow?
At what point in life does one make the conscious decision to incorporate capes into everyday life? Like, as a fashion statement?
I'm not sure how to answer that. Is it a general question or one you're wondering about for yourself? Because I don't think you're there yet.
I`m watching Shallow Hal & Jack Black has better nipples than Jimmy's chick.
Everyone's impressed that I actually got pee all over his car since I'm a girl and they're a little curious..
Erin was right. There were bees at the after hours.
Word to the wise, never look up your hot young doctors on Facebook before you're discharged. You will find things and no longer be able to take them seriously.
As we were walking to her place she stole a pizza from the delivery guy's car and when we got home she grabbed a slice, two beers, removed her pants, and said "call of duty?" im going to marry her
You know. You being in a happy healthy relationship is REALLLYY cutting into our drinking alone together time.
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