I just realized that the music from spongebob is also used in real sex HBO.
She accidentally pre-ordered us Dominos for the next day at 11:30am... we were very confused when we woke up.
They had a "who can aim further away from the toilet" contest. I'm now washing piss off my ceiling.
Party at my house. Beach themed. Clothing optional.
Wouldn't that make it "Nude Beach Themed?"
Yes, but if I hadn't gotten here early, I never would have seen the butch lesbian midget waddling down stairs from the bar. Worth every minute of drinking alone.
I just threw up over a bridge. I didn't even know there was a bridge in this town. Vodka is like a transportation device.
I'm serious. My alarm label is "BAR TABS" as motivation for me to wake up in the morning and go to work.
Oh okay. That's fine. I'll buy us both dinner when you bail me out
It's a post jail date
His whole street is under construction. Third walk of shame this week & I'm getting a lot of sympathetic nods from the workers.
No, and she still hasn't answered me...I get a whole series of text messages about Guatemalan anal bleaching but no fucking answer to my question.
He had a clap on lamp. So every time he was ramming into me, the lights kept turning on and off
He said I was so drunk and high that I had a conversation w/ his goldfish. The video shows me clearly conversing as if talking to a person w/ pauses in conversation and everything
It's a race to see if I finish the bottle first or my homework
Fine I’ll come with you but you better tell that guy to wear some longer shorts because the second I see a rogue nut I’m gone
THERE IS JIZZ ON MY CEILING. HOW THE FUCK IS THERE JIZZ ON MY CEILING
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