Small dicks are the new regular sized dicks.
Banjos are just sex machines. Like lights to moths, banjos are to hipster bitches.
i thought i'd fucked her to death. no lie. she just stopped moving.
Ordered a large pizza and definitely just paid the cab driver in pizza slices. I'm glad there's someone out there that's just as fat at heart as we are.
Looks like a significant portion of my drinking money just became legal fees.
This is going to be the summer remembered forever as the giant 3 month long mushroom trip.
It was pathetic and I was covered in butter
After 13 tally marks I wrote the number 4,000 and made u sign my arm to prove it.
i'm having taco bell mild sauce and tums for breakfast because i'm hungover and thats all i can find. it's like thanksgiving up in here
While we were driving she just screams from the backseat: MUMFORD AND SONS DROP THE BANJO and made what were meant to be banjo sound effects
God fucking bless the man who invented the vibrator. Bless him and all his descendants. I think I saw the face of God tonight
This girl is wasted dancing to The Final Countdown. She's grinding on a guy who came to the bar in a track jacket and a wife beater
It's not even 11, i dropped a shot glass, nick is bleeding, and everyone is drunk
Apparently I blamed my BAC on the Saint Louis Cardinals...how is that not a valid excuse?!
I asked what it takes to be a good delivery driver, my new boss said "always keep these in your vehicle" as he handed me a flashlight and a blunt. I'm going to like this job.
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