i can't help myself.. i am just so in love with the kitchen manager.
...he was wearing JNCO shorts.. i'm pretty sure i saw the dragon.
Sex on a trampoline was so worth getting a mosquito bite on my penis
Sometimes I wish there were a little bird hiding that would periodically go, "creep-per."
Hm. I declare blue a flavor.
coulda been worse. everyone in the drunk tank got free mcdonalds breakfast
Not only is he in the circus, the man survived a near death experience and has an accent. She might as well have found a unicorn. This shit just doesn't happen in real life. Where did she meet this magical creature?
New one-upper goal: I have to shit off the side of a moving train then jump off
and then I said "oh, I see the price of Plan B has gone up". and the pharmacist looked at me very sadly. I was just trying to make conversation.
Kelly and I just had sex, and you didn't call or text to interrupt, are you alive? We are both concerned.
just creeped your profile pictures and you should feel satisfied in knowing that you had great eyebrows even before people started drawing them on
One three hour marathon fuck session and now she's divorcing her husband. Should I get business cards made?
i like that he makes me laugh. those are like my two favorite things. laughing and fucking.
I cannot take an uber back in my costume...can you please come get me?
Also fuck yeah conspiracy
Do you recall asking me to zip line through your wedding dressed as a bleeding angel?
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