How does everyone that never saw me naked know I'm built like a smurf?
At this point, I would light birthday candles in my vagina for free drinks
for future reference: anal bleach BEFORE boozing
Just found a quarter that has been stuck to my boob since at least last night.
My phone really needs to stop auto correcting "library" to "ovary".
I'm drinking sangria out of a sand pail. I'll pass on tonight
There was a sweat stain in the shape of a fast chick with low standard on your bathroom floor
Well at least you learned that cops don't like when you call them frenchy. Nice dive over the fence by the way.
i feel we're the only people who'd use nyquil sexually
he kept opening the car door while we were ON THE HIGHWAY and insisting he could walk. next time i drive my boss home at 3am i'm putting the child lock on
Yeah I'd rather get obliterated at home.
Same here. I'd like to ensure that I won't get pissed on.
Yeah. I couldn't figure out why my toes hurt. Apparently, the guy I was dancing with, kept running them over with his wheelchair.
I think i'm the first person to get kicked out of a club while completely sober. Come outside please!!
She wanted a dick pic so I sent her brett Favres dick pic then she asked why I have pictures of old men's beautiful dicks
It's sunday night and I just went to the store to buy cookie dough and condoms, I'm so proud of myself.
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