Dear everyone that texted me last night wondering where i was. i ended up face down blacked up drunk before i made it to the party. My bad
It took you an unbelievable amount of time to realize that your ass was on fire.
buying booze in bulk is always a bad idea. i wish there was some direct deposit-like system
so id say it was a successful trip...i only got hit on by one cousin...
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There was a note in my hello kitty underwear telling me "don't go over 9000"
My face is tingly. And my legs are being massaged by golden elves.
Is adulthood just morning sex and then walking through the grocery store 20 min later looking for something to take to work for lunch?
...and then running into your dad at said grocery store...
I took 36 pictures of my lava lamp. your weed wins.
I just face planted on a condom wrapper in my bed...thought of you.
You're so romantic.
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He could smell the liquor on my breath. Fuck. I thought he would smell French toast.
Had the weirdest dream last night. If you're ever in Texas, do not come over with a 12 pack as a bribe and ask for a threeway between you, me, and my TA. I will take the beer though.
I walked out in my coconut bra, and that's when it all went downhill.
No, and she still hasn't answered me...I get a whole series of text messages about Guatemalan anal bleaching but no fucking answer to my question.
Going to give your dick a friendship bracelet.
when i woke up w mysterious sticky crap in my hair, i assumed i had another blackout hookup. nope. turns out i made PBJ and proceeded to pass out in it. i ate the evidence when i woke up.
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