His uber religious wife caught us having anal sex in their bed..... she called us sodomites. Can you even be a sodomite if you're a girl?
You're not a sodomite. You're a whore. Tell her to get the insults right. Did she try to save you with Jesus?
She said she'd pray for me. Man, if I had just caught my husband balls deep in some ho, I'd say fuck the praying and kick her ass.
you were sitting on my toliet with a double cheesburger in your hand asking me how the cheeseburger even got there.
In case you were wondering, transporting lube in a ziploc bag is just as bad of an idea as it sounds.
I always enjoy the bewildered gaze as I buy chips, salsa and beer @ 0745.
Did i mention i'm like the equivilent of a prepubescent boy suffering from preejaculacy? I just about creamed my pants when he grabbed my hand..
My costume for the end of the world party was a success. Everyone in the ER thought I was there because I got hit by a car when it was actually from alcohol poisoning.
At this point, just throw that mattresses away. Or bronze it and display it as a testament to your shame. either is good.
If you quit, you're not going to stick to our game plan of dead by 40. I will not be in the titty bar nursing home without you damning
Damnit.
Drunk enough that you donated $50 to taco bell, because they serve a great purpose.
i have nothing going on in my life. unless a toxic love triangle with netflix and jack daniels counts.
I banged a guy named Robbie last night and in the middle of sex he begged me to scream santos. I'm pretty sure I just screwed a dude with multiple personalities.
I walked in on him fucking her whilst she ate skittles. I saw things no one should see, but I did get your bra back. You owe me.
I guess daylight savings isn't a holiday we need to celebrate for three days...
Woke up snuggling with a large wooden rhino that I stole last night...obviously, we had fun.
Did you really think putting a napkin over your head would make you giving him a bj less obvious?
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