Im at the zoo right now high out of my mind and feel as if the animals are watching me and Im the one in a cage.
apparently breaking a beer bottle and then throwing up in a urinal is a terrible way to pick up girls.
Did you really end last night's sexting with "Stay thirsty my friend"?
Things we need. Powerade. Water in fridge. Mixers for vodka. And reality checks.
My roomate asked me why she found condoms in the pringles container. I don't know what to tell her
We're in ER. He's high on morphine and I'm drunk. Gonna score some bed pans for jello shots.
Chasing shots with sriracha-covered mini toast was, in retrospect, not the best idea.
People are stripping in McDonalds. Do I join?
YES.
You may want to re-read your sent texts from last night. You were texting me about your "fire shits" spelled 6 different ways between 3 and 5:30 AM.
I made friends with the delivery guy because he had beautiful dread locks and was a Zelda fan. He texted me after he left saying he wasn't trying to be creepy but we should be friends. We're hanging out tomorrow.
How does this kind of shit happen to you?!
I can't believe I ever hated her sister or friends. They got her some sexy sexy ass lingerie for the honeymoon. I think I love them bitches
I almost died today via plastic wrap. I AM THE REASON THEY PUT WARNING LABELS ON THINGS.
I just dumped the bloody coke bill into the tip jar while getting my hangover coffee. I'm literally going to hell.
just said thank you to the lady who gave me a body search at the airport
I woke up with my shoes on but pants in the fish tank
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