i told him that if he starts being sappy its friends = off. he called me jerkface and drew on me w permanent marker. im either in love w him or we are twelve.
dude, I just walked in on your little brother changing clothes...I'm ashamed to say I noticed, but that kid has as MASSIVE cock...
Yeah...we all know. it's the elephant in the room at family gatherings.
that is a frighteningly accurate metaphor for it.
should my break up email to my English professor be in MLA format?
If we break up, I want weekend visitations with your penis.
asked the girl next to us on line to take a picture of us and she shared her bacardi. i love white people.
He said in a slur "I go so hard, even when I..." and cut himself off by projectile vomiting all over the ice luge.
WHY DO YOU ALWAYS PUT THE PLUG IN THE SINK BEFORE YOU PUKE IN IT
I'm having an emotional breakdown watching baby sloths on YouTube you need to come save me from myself.
I woke up in a tow truck cuddling plan b. Can you pick me up?
turns out my ex girlfriend has become my most successful wingman. life is fuckin weird sometimes
Should I put the money for my dealer in a Christmas card? You know, make it more frstive?
every day is bullshit and fuck everyone. That's my motto for the week
Like why am I even still facebook friends with a guy I let finger me at a concert?
I just saw a cat, if i ate those mushrooms 15 minutes earlier i wouldn't have made it to the bar
I woke up with leftover chocolate syrup on my nipples. WTF happened last night??
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