I really wish I could go back in time to change the course of events that led to me sitting on the internet at 3 Googling 'Traumatic masturbation' while talking to you about failed dates, and running a virtual restaurant in a video game.
my roommate and her friend got reaallllly high last night and it looks like they played scrabble. one of their words is "nippal"
He was rambling about life and dignity and happiness. but all i kept thinking was PENIS. YOU HAVE A PENIS. I CAN SHOW YOU WHERE TO PUT THAT PENIS.
Note to self: Don't teach the naked lap rule in beer pong until after youve made a cup..
If you're still on campus there's a jack and coke in the bathroom of fondren science Bldg. Too strong to bring to class.
You almost hooked up with 200lb woman in her mid-forties, because you were convinced she was adele. Your drinking problem is officially out of control.
My sister was crawling her way home and kept asking us to carry her,then she insisted on grabbing at our ankles til she passed out, how was your night?
There are so many birds around me. And squirrels. I feel like that chick from Enchanted...but like if she had a dick and made poor life decisions.
Why do I always miss the parties you're naked at?!
I get naked cuz your not there
New low: just got woken up by my 9 year old cousin throwing an empty at me and telling me to get my life together.
Attempting to sleep without a bra since i got my nips pierced wish me luck. Also almost sent that to my coworker.
You're a Heat fan? You lose any chance blowjob bc of your poor choice.
I just found out that there's a bar that has happy hour at 12 pm. It's like the universe doesn't want me to be sober
highlight of my day: hitchhiking a ride with random locals. tried to make conversation, asked what they do. driver says "you clearly don't recognize me." turns out i have had sex with him and forgot.
You are officially qualified to graduate from college.
hey can you send me that pic of that dude?...if this isn't Rochelle's phone...can you please find and tell Rochelle to send me that picture of that dude?
Randomize
