No one appreciates an amoeba in a balloon hat.
I just saw a hobo shake a payphone until it spat out a bunch of quarters. what a champ.
i friday night watching house. god, i need a life, friends, and a legitimate fake id.
I wish there was a facebook app that filtered my notifications to show only the ones having to do with people who'll fuck me.
Hit a parked car with a "property of Jesus Christ" bumper sticker. Wrote out five hail mary's and left it on the windshield.
just found out my horoscope sign is scales. it's like i was destined to be a drug dealer
this just proves how much faith i have in "us".. what should we be for halloween..?
After a couple hours you decided you were going to walk home but ten minutes later you called and said you'd puked by the side of the road and you needed us to drive you to the art museum.
Maybe I'm a robot.
You can't be that drunk already
A white limo full of drunken 30 something business people pulls up next to me and asks if they can kidnap me until 1030. If I don't make it back tonight, call someone and tell them I died gloriously
Also, we found a geriatric Snoop Lion.
it went well until I said "me" instead of "my" and he kept sexting me in character as a pirate
You were a cyclone of alcohol and bad decisions - like a gay Tazmanian devil
And I got shut down by a ginger. It was a weird night
probably because i sent a bunch of guys a snap saying happy one year to my nipple piercings
Randomize
