My boobs aren't big enough for this kind of lifestyle
well, i woke up this morning to a note i left myself my dry erase board, "dear you: i had sex with someone awful."
No, this time she was diabetic. I think I fucked her into diabetic shock.
she passed out facedown in my lap while I was playing piano. 11 years of piano lessons finally paid for themselves.
Dude between pissing everywhere and all of those frogs, that bathroom got wrecked.
Update... last night a man tried to bite my ear. I think he swallowed my pearl earring.
I JUST ATE A STRANGE BURRITO, I SHOULD NOT BE EXPECTED TO KNOW ANYTHING RIGHT NOW.
my cat just photo bombed my nudie.. does this qualify me as a cat lady?
I will have to bone him sometime between now and July so he will move all my shit again
Stumbled across a pregnancy test in my closet. Oh, the freshman year flashbacks..
Well that's disappointing. I guess I'll give a lesson on dick-breaking another time then
Okay penises are actually pretty exciting. The people attached to them are an entirely different story
Slowly dying because of my period and my phone is mocking me because I have 69% battery
Hey? Just a hypothetical. You ever accidentally kill somebody's cat on purpose? Like you didn't mean to but it had it coming? If you're wondering it tripped me while I was walking down the stairs and I landed on it as I fell.
Just a heads up that Dad just brought home a new Porsche and the sales girl he bought it from.
Umm okay. What are they doing?
They’re in the hot tub
Can I get divorced when I grow up?
Randomize
