The first thing on our $10,000 damage bill was "condoms in the main drain"
dude.. you lit a cigarette on the bus and told the driver it was okay because you were fire marshall of your boy scout troop
Just ate applesauce I laced with percocets for dinner. I'm pretty sure my grandmother does the same thing.
Do you think it would be a good idea to mention in my admissions essay that I was the guy that streaked across the soccer field last year?
Please tell me the foreign boys in the kitchen this morning were yours.
If I brought two seashells to Lowe's, do you think that they'd drill two holes in each shell for me? I need to be a mermaid on Saturday...
She is ok w me having sex for money. Just gotta find rich grandmas.
Remember how I haven't seen my step sister in like 7 years? Pretty sure I just made out with her...
i'm going to invent a mini fridge that can hang from faucets so i don't have to get out of the bathtub anymore for a cold beer. its a million dollar idea
I don't care if I just threw up. You kiss me now. This is marriage.
We just started the day with vitamin bombs. Daily vitamin + whatever's left in your glass from last night = feel like a champion
I just can't deal with that sentence
I don't fucking know. I'm out stimulating the economy. Not locked in a room with a marker board.
Oh at the liquor store again?
I'm sorry I tried to spit drugs down your throat like a baby bird last night.
I dont remember you getting a condom thrown at you. I think I had a concusion
All our friends are getting married, and I'm the dateless guy bringing molly to their weddings.
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