I hate girls that dress up to come to planned parenthood. I just want to be like we are all in the same boat here, we know your slutty. Its OK.
i came out of my blackout when my grandma called last night. it kinda sobered me up and i realized who i had been making out with. should i call and thank her for the defensive cockblock?
i just missed the spain goal because i was puking in the bathroom. damn you open bar.
After much deliberation I've decided to name my penis "Arthur", hope your mom's surgery goes well.
Nothing kills the mood when I am hooking up on the dance floor like the DJ saying Happy Valentines.
your love of good penises attached to ugly faces is disgusting and slightly disturbing.
think he just told me if I need to shit I should go outside.
First you say "it can't get any worse" and the next thing you know you've shat yourself on Christmas Eve.
he used the hotel microwave to cook the 16" pizza he bought at the walmart deli
He used a "food city great value" card to cut it
Sleeping in a car was not on my list of plans for the night.
Well I'm over here squandering a fabulous hair day and radiant complexion
It's decided. Tomorrow I'm getting a Big Mac and a Dildo
I told her I'd rather set my hair on fire than sleep with her again. In retrospect, that was probably too harsh. My eye is still swollen shut.
If he knew how badly I want to blow him he’d stop talking about his wife
THERE IS WATER LITERALLY DRIPPING OFF OF THE CHANDELIER. I OFFICIALLY HAVE THE WORLD'S WORST RAINFALL SHOWER HEAD.
Randomize
