wakey wakey hands off snakey
Tonight was fucked up. First my mom called me and told me I had to go to the bar to pick up my dad 'cause he was drunk. Then when I got there my dad was doing a body shot from this lady who happened to be my 1st grade teacher. By far the most awkward car ride home. Idk if I should tell my mom or not.
Odds of those being real?
One in who gives a fuck
Btw, I'm really high so I apologize if anything I say gets translated into arabic.
What's the second line of that rhyme that starts "Vicodin before scotch...?"
was just hit on by a homeless lesbian. forever alone.
the paramedic just looked at me like "you again?"
just cockblocked my boss's 17 year old son at the Christmas party
just went back to the bar and asked if they found a shoe last night.
I was trying to chase her off the carpet, but now there are figure-eights of cat vomit. everywhere
I'm resourceful. I forgot we don't have coca cola so now I'm drinking Jack & Dew or Mountain Daniels. Also, I haven't decided on an official name yet for this drink. I'm leaning toward Jack & Dew
I hope Team Snapchat has been enjoying our sex snaps all this week.
I need a new best friend. Someone who drinks like a fish, hooks up enough to raise eyebrows, and isn't afraid to admit that masturbation is the second best way to spend time. Someone like me! Help me put up posters.
in the middle of telling this chick to sober up i was shotgunning beers. im gonna be ab awsome nurse.
HILY FUCK HES HERE I HAVE MONISTAT IN ME HE SUPRISED ME
Randomize
