Does it bother you that I left your underwear hanging in a tree at the zoo? i think the turtles are enjoying it.
I convinced her last night that my actual nickname was "No Condom John"
whatever sunny in Philadelphia does on Thursday nights, I'm doing all weekend.
my life is in even more shambles than last time, mcdonalds is closed
So someone hacked my email and facebook and posted a boob pic I took a few years ago as my profile picture. I feel like an MTV commercial.
I should have kept drinking, a coma can't be as bad as this hangover
still wasted. at home depot . just threw up in one of the demo showers. not okay.
He told me he finished so fast because he's a sprinter. I hate athletes who are really just pussies.
I don't know what's worse: going to the liquor store at 9am or knowing that its open at 9am
I swear she hasnt shaved since the last time we hooked up 5 months ago
I tore the muscle in my left calf at the gym and still spent all evening in heels. UNSTOPPABLE!
Congratulations, you have turned my vagina into a garden hose.
Never underestimate the power of loudly proclaiming you want to make out with someone
Is it totally terrible that I just signed up for classes and already found the guy I'm going to bang??
My last Google search was 'can an impotent man have sex'. I don't even want to know what I did with that guy.
Randomize
