And now his mom knows I was dipping my pen in company ink
My life has hit rock bottom, I'm watching a movie on lifetime about retarded people falling in love. And I'm jealous of their relationship.
i knew i liked her after she chugged tequila, fell down the stairs and said "oh dont worry i knew it'd be faster this way"
No subtext here. People are naked.
You started laughing mid-cry and when I asked you said, "my tears taste like vodka."
i told him i should keep a toothbrush at his house for after all the times i threw up there. he said yes but i wasnt getting a key to the apt
I lost the bet. I now have to do all chores sans clothing of any kind. I give it a week before I'm knocked up...
Do u feel more socially accepted since someone else made up their girlfriend too?
That is was cool to fuck the single mother accross the street until every girl i bring home gets the car keyed.
Lusting after Beyonce when you're a lesbian is like having a crush on Jesus. You just don't do it.
Just took a shot of 151, rimmned my middle finger in it, lit it on fire and lit a cigarette off it while flicking off my boss. How was your night??
I put in a tampon while driving a moving vehicle. I feel like this is simultaneously a new low and the sort of feat that deserves a merit badge.
Listen here, Ms. "I'm Gonna Get Super Drunk and Run From My Friends Screaming That They Were Going to Drag Her to a Scientology Recruitment Camp"...
I've been trying to masturbate for the longest time now and so far I've accomplished getting tangled in my computer battery cord and phone charger and hitting my knee on my laptop.
just had an allergic reaction to my dildo. My life is ruined.
Randomize
