Im partying with a unicorn. You don't even know.
Don't judge me. Haven't eaten all day so I'm in my room sticking my finger in peanut butter, then jam, then my mouth.
i woke facing the corner with my computer and i had googled "how to put out a fire" i am so scared to turn around
in case you havent found it already in honor of Toy story 3 we wrote ANDY on the bottom of your foot while you were passed out on the couch.
He held me the entire night. Not endearing kind of way. Like kidnapping or held hostage kind of way.
I just masturbated while eating dinner. Now who's the lazy one
I didn't ask for a picture of your soft dick.
Remember that mom/daughter stripper team? Well i just met the ex husband/father in AA. WOW!!!! WOW....
I have an epic ass bruise from a wheel tonight and I am drunk now because I decided vodka heals all wounds.
I sent her a picture of Richard Nixon and said "these are the only dick pics I send".
I ripped off the screen and literally supermaned through my bedroom window. That wasted
Yeah yeah I know I have to bring your dog back.
If you're into enormous nipples, you should ask out my office's receptionist.
She's trying to change her flight... IM BEING COCKBLOCKED BY DELTA CUSTOMER SERVICE
Can u pick me up? Lost my keys.
Sure. FYI- you "lost" them on the roof, trying to throw them over the house.
Randomize
