that's when I learned why R Kelly peed on that bitch
alone in the kitchen at 4 am eating a hotdog.
Is it bad that when I see ugly people make out, I hope he's impotent?
I put it into a sports analogy for him: there are three teams in the league- friends, fuck buddies, and dating, and the fuck buddies roster is full, pick an alternate team
If my bosses could see, smell or hear me right now they would understand why its a horrible idea to keep the office open sundays
I don't care what he thinks. My vagina has an open door policy.
Too lazy to make dinner. Had chocolate and scotch instead. Check in with me in a half hour.
THAT IS NOT SOMETHING YOU TELL SOMEBODY THE FIRST TIME YOU MEET THEM IN THE DARK.
I just paid for weed by taking him to the store to buy cheese so he could make empanadas. Best. Drug deal. Ever.
Come get your sister, she's waving a shoe about and threatened to "teabag the Shit" out of the doorman because she can't check the shoe in.
Seriously though, passing out on the police station floor must have been priceless!
You know the party's good when you say "Never have I ever caused an emergency landing" and someone drinks
He just said "I know you want my cock" and I said nah. I want food bro
I love standing in line at rite aid for 10 minutes being forced to talk to my ex's mom about life while I'm holding nothing but yeast infection cream
The only thing I want for my birthday is a divorce from you.
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