U dropped me off n it hit me, i made it inside for exactly shit thirty on the nose, another minute n i would of had brown trowsers
we're taking shots every time my dog licks his penis. we're on number 8 now.
you should have been aborted.
Spent $1500 on bottle service and have a lump on my head from hitting the nightstand while puking. Excess? Nooo Success.
Thanks for making me watch you dance provacatively by yourself in the bathroom so you could see if you looked fat.
Did your dad mention the fact that you asked him for viagra at 2 in the morning?
Hey for future reference vodka can not be substituted for water when shaving your legs
Screw it. I'll show up in a white dress with a sign that says " I fucked the groom and it wasn't that great."
Just so you know, you're MY booty call. Feel degraded.
I think i can hear god laughing at me and yelling "thou shall pay for thy habits of underage drinking" through a megaphone directly at my eardrums
It's the best! If I had one wish it would be for life to be one really long gay porno. Thats what I wish for during every 11:11.
I woke up to a quacking alarm clock and a rando in my bed. I told him I liked his cargo shorts. Fireball is not my soulmate anymore.
I'm not in the business of asking people about their lizard
I meant his actual lizard not his manhood
Also this morning I remembered seeing the stripper he threw up on later in the night. She was clothed though.
Just told my mom life fisted my asshole. She looked at me with complete understanding. I'm scared...
Guess it's not a good idea to try lighting a cigarette with my stove drunk, I burnt off half my bangs.
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