We should see who can shotgun a beer faster over iPhone FaceTime
Pre-game strategy: play thunder by yourself in the shower. Surprisingly, success.
he put $150 on the cabs dash so 9 of us could pile in and ride 3 blocks to the apartment.
Its the anniversary of our epic NBA All-star game weekend. The night the two of us cashed a 30-pack while watching the dunk contest
I'm hoping they send me home from work drunk.
Really? A fat girl?
I'm walking her back. Chill out.
She is a nice girl okay. For some reason we are in my room though.
I ate pizza in bed, sans pants, and then carved a pumpkin. FUNCTIONING ADULT MOTHERFUCKERS!
All I know is I was bleeding, she was bleeding, we stole someone's Lucky Charms, and then I made you guys order a pizza
The guy I'm talking to drunk texted me his essay last night and he asked me to revise it
He licked the buffalo sauce off my fingers and then we had the best sex of my life.
Comedy Central is in dire need of more sitable faces late at night - Trevor Noah has a baby face - there are federal rules against those types of sexual fantasies
WHAT THE FUCK DREAM ME
I'M GONNA PUNCH THAT BITCH THE FUCK DID SHE THINK SHE WAS DOIN
I just puked into a clean basket of laundry.
It was funny for a while but 3 days later I still can't walk and I've constructed a diaper-like contraption to hold the ice pack on my vagina.
Not going to make it tonight. Some cougar at the bar just told me she has dibs on my dick.
Randomize
