the roller ball on my blackberry is the closest i've come to touching a clit in 2 years.
Just hungoverly hit my funny bone with a hot straightener. Triple threat.
sometimes i think my sole purpose in life is to cockblock my roommate
Trust me man, I did not put any cookies down your pants when you slept.
Based on the fact my iPad is covered in pizza, I'm going to assume I ate pizza last night
You told me that you were as fast as lightning and you wanted to race me. Then you faceplanted after falling down the stairs.
As he was cumming he yelled "Yahtzee" then said im free to go. Thats my one night stand
My walk of shame wasn't complete until I projectile vomited clutching my truck bumper while he just smiled with that look of regret.
I woke up and sent him a text that said 'I'm sorry forever'
After an orgasm, I always feel the urge to sing A Whole New World from the move Aladdin and I'm not quite sure why.
Oh god theyre drunkenly throwing knifes now, definitely the best movie I've worked on
at what point last night did i get this tattoo of an anchor made of dicks?
around eleven
He spent three years trying to get a chance with me and finally broke me down. then he came in two minutes and was so upset he locked himself in the bathroom so I helped myself to his weed and left. Wanna get stoned?
I think I just scared the sex out of my booty call. He saw me at the grocery store using one of those "future mother" parking spots right next to the handicap ones. He just made eye contact and drove off. I regret my laziness.
We're going to watch the inauguration and fuck. Or fuck and watch the inauguration, I'm not picky, just get your ass over here by ten.
Randomize
