yeah she was being a bitch. do you remember me stealing ryan cabrerra's beer?!?!
So my earrings and necklace kept jingling and hitting him in the face, and he told me felt like he was fucking a Christmas tree
Life lesson. Learning to pee left handed is easier than learning brickbreaker left handed. Rather lose a few drops than a few lives
she made me put on a condom before giving me a handjob...this is why i hate freshmen
I answered the door to some Jehovah Witnesses hungover and wearing nothing but a white tshirt. I think they made it the church goal to reform me, we've gotten four pamphlets. My mom's going to make me convert if they keep coming.
I walked out of the bedroom naked holding a used condom only to be greeted by half of my family. Happy birthday mom
Woke up this morning buried in a mountain of chex mix and bubble wrap. We must have been doing something great last night
It summer and it's getting a lot harder to hide sex bruises from my parents.
First world problems?
oh god my hair smells like rotten vegetables, sweat, and tequila. I wanna party with your neighbors every night.
How was that my fault?! I made you breakfast and gave you cake, as you asked. Then, you initiated sexual activity.
On second thought, is it weird that I scheduled a surgery that determines my fertility around lingerie football night? I might have fucked up priorities.
Absolutely not. I would have done the exact same thing.
lonely sunday drunk me decided to tweeze my pubes. HORRIBLE IDEA
I'm gonna do it. I'm gonna write gay mortal kombat fanfic. May the gods be praised for whisky
I'm naked on my couch and just ate a chip that was in my belly button.. my 20s have been weird.
I have 3 vacation days left and I'm guarding them like a gay dragon on a pile of gold dildos molded after celebrities.
Smaug the FABULOUS
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