She was Ugg boots AND a Bumpit. Of course I didn't sleep with her.
Just got my econometrics book in the mail and started flipping through it. Our Thursday parties may turn into u convincing me not to kill myself.
He'd bedazzaled his ass. Im not even that gay...
I can hear my liver begging me not to go out tonight
Some girl, somewhere, is going to wake up with my face paint on her vagina
Look, I said I'm sorry. In the shower, "are you happy to see me" sounded just like "could you please pee on me". Honest mistake.
Learned a valuable life lesson last night. It's titled "Tequila: Still A Bad Idea".
I just want to fuck you then discuss implications of our existence afterwards. Then Doritos and hot tub.
I walked into my house with my pants inside out, no shoes and a limp. My mom asked me if I had fun but I passed out before I could reply...
His name was Kyle but I insisted on calling him baby Jesus all night and then we did a line and he bought me Taco Bell so idk
currently googling "apology gifts for when you poop on their floor"
He woke up & asked where his pants were then asked where he was then asked who I was. Been married 20 yrs. He was drunkest ever.
I couldn't find the oven mitts so I used a thick stack of tortillas
Wow two curved penises in one weekend. I feel like this may be good luck. Like finding a four leaf clover
I think it might be the guy sitting next to me. I've concluded he HAS to be smuggling insane amounts of onions in his wardrobe to smell like that
Randomize
