I dont know whether to be proud of myself for not driving, or being proud that i was so messed up I couldnt drive
No, asshole. I'm not gay. But if I was I think I would do better than fucking Nick Lachey.
Barsexuality is the new black.
I just need someone to hold me and tell me i dont turn boys gay
I was so high i started crying when i saw how much puppychow was there.
I'm shutting down my vagina temporarily...it's like the last two weeks were a going out of business sale...and now it needs a break...
i woke up and the dog was eating spaghetti off my chest.
I woke up to a text that said, "I can see you but can't get in." It was the pizza delivery guy who saw me passed out drunk on the floor through the front door.
I can't even look at my running shoes. I swear I drank more in the last 2 days than the last 6 months combined
I was talking to another guy at the bar last night and all of a sudden a flying piece of Sausage lands on my boobs. Then I hear my boyfriend yell, "just marking my territory."
Got it in all night, now at a bar at 730 am and we are the only two people here. Somewhere my mid twenties father is applauding me.
So the doorbell rang while we were banging, and I'm pretty sure the pizza man saw my dick. But hey, we got pizza.
dude, last night I won a real sword and a bottle of vodka in a cards against humanity tournament
COVER ME IN BACON THATS MY FETISH
ACTUALLY ITS NOT, I HAVE NO FUCKING IDEA WHAT AWAKENS THE MONSTER BELOW THE BELT
Let's just face it you're going to have an arrangement with your future wife your fuck me on Thursdays
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