Yo, my girl thinks she's pregnant, so I've got a DD for the wedding. Sweet.
sometimes I think that if I just met him. he would have a crazy realization and fall madly in love with me. what do you say? I'm not just another fan.
dipping my christmas cookies in kaluha. santa would be proud.
I thought I broke my iPhone. I was almost as depressed as the day I broke my vibrator.
i dont even know how to be here
Just found a keg and a mini-bike in our garage, this couldn't possibly go wrong
She has puke in her hair, is missing a shoe and is now crying. People trust her to be their child's teacher
Found him fucking some random drunk chick in the bathrrom at the blue lep with a beer in each hand. had to give him props.
Did you leave a blizzard on my porch last night? Or was that someone else giving out a metaphorical threat to me?
I love you. We're gonna celebrate your 21st by putting people in duct tape bikinis and pushing them down tequila slip and slides
in other news, i feel like i just shat out all my sins.
Dad danced with a girl half his age and her boyfriend just sat at the bar and waited for dad to be done. I bought pity nachos.
I mean, you have to swipe right on someone you had sex with last week though, right?
Have you considered sword swallowing? Something about that bj tells me you could make a it a career.
Sent. All. My. Texts. Like. This. Last. Night. Thank. You. Weed. Also. Had. A. Dream. About. A. Serial. Killer. That. Killed. Everyone. Except. Me. And.
Randomize
