you dont know how to answer ppls txts anymore?!?
im sorry, i don't get text messages.
Why do I always have sex on the first date when I know it demotes me to booty call girl?
Um, I don't really remember much about the event... and then I woke up on the metro..
the russians are downstairs with the vodka loudly proclaiming happy birthday america. i don't care if it's the fourth, i care that it's 9 am and they woke me up.
How creepy of a mustache can you grow by wednesday night?
and my attempt at hiding my drunkness from my parents included walking into the wall as soon as they let me into the house.
They were loudly fucking last night and there was way too much conversation involved. It wasn't even dirty talk, it was more like "your doing it wrong" talk
Remember when you fed me goldfish while I was -inside- of someone?
he's a firefighter. like being a firefighter screams MY DICK IS HUGE SO I'M NOT AFRAID TO DIE IN THIS FIRE.
She has the best kind of daddy issues
This feels more like a conference of all the people I've fucked in the past year.
I'm upset for all the future generations who can't drunkenly get cheesy bread
Why is there a waffle in the knife drawer?
The real question is why are there knives in the waffle drawer.
I knew you were on something when you said you were a puppy and you ate all the frosty Paws dog ice cream which says not for human consumption right on the side of it.
The lady in the stall next to me just screamed "why are you so hairy!?" and "why can't you get any!?" to her vagina. WTF
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