Just woke up in bed, AC on high, with a fresh pack of smokes, an unopened pint of vodka, and a bag w a beef patty w cheese in it. I think my roommate's like the toothfairy or something. Or that was way more Xanax than I needed.
Oh this totally just became legit. My "boss" is puking outside my car right now. I win again.
Someone is gonna learn how to start an IV in the morning
No, pictures of your dick will not make me feel better about my grandmother having a brain tumor.
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All I remember is apologizing to his sister for being a bad influence while I was throwing up into a big gulp cup.
u r missing out we r watching a tranny direct traffic in a gstring
Also, you tried to make me learn all of the presidents, in order, with a picture book as an aid. At 4 am. What the fuck?
I am the kind of drunk to where i can still drive a golf cart
Bring one of those heart stabber things in case you go into shock. I'll jab you.
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There's something very strange about masturbating in a hotel room. I feel like I'm cheating on my room...
He just said his penis sings like Mariah Carey...Im going with drunken.
I'm gonna guess ur still high cus last night at like 3am my pillows were morphing into cats and I kept trying to pet them
Apparently I had 2 bloody noses and after my sis put me to bed at the hotel, I escaped and my sister's friend found me in an elevator with some guy
the cop asked if i was drunk and i responded with "breathalize me, cap'n". incidentally, he was a captain and i blew a .13.
where are my eyebrows?
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